I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
