Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
