I faked an abortion last night.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
