Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
