My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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