I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
