Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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