I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
