I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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