I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
