She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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