Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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