she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
