Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
