I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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