How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Still dying that you shit outside
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
