when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
