I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
