Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
