I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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