Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
