someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
