Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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