I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize