My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
