Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You are a genius and a whore.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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