he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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