dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
