Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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