Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
