I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
