Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
