Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
