Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
