I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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