you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
