pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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