My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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