I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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