I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
