I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
