My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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