Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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