no, he came in my armpit
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize