I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
