everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Even my vagina gasped.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
