3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
