I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
