R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
