Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
