My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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