I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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