I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
