you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
