Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
