Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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