I heard we made out
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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