Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
