I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
