my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
