He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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